February 25, 2013 by hesgotnogame
I had recently gotten out of a long-term relationship when a friend/coworker asked me out for dinner. When you work in a restaurant as soon as your male coworkers hear you’re single they come running. I didn’t want to turn him down so I said yes.
I drove 35 minutes out to his house. Sorry, his parents’ house. It didn’t bother me because he had specifically said they wouldn’t be home and I figured what guy would invite a girl over to his parents the first date? Any who, so after driving myself to the house, he met me in his driveway and he drove us to this hole in the wall in Springfield. I don’t mean hole in the wall as in a good Mom and Pop restaurant. No, everyone who knows Springfield knows many of the restaurants legitimately have holes…in their walls. I felt like I was in Denny’s and that everyone there was staring at us. It was his favorite place. So after an awkward meal that couldn’t end soon enough we hopped back in his video game-esque car and made uncomfortable small talk all the way back to his parents’. I thought maybe I’d get to go home, but I was mistaken.
He asked if I wanted a glass of wine so I said sure, a buzz is the only way to continue on. We walked through his front door and low and behold, mommy and daddy were home! His mother rushed up to me beaming from ear to ear as if we had just gotten home from our honeymoon. His dad got up and introduced himself and so did their dog. Petting an over excited dog while he jumps on you/humps you and trying to meet someone’s parents for the first time couldn’t be more of a cluster fuck. They asked me personal questions about my life that told me he had been talking about me for awhile to them. They even knew about my ex and asked about him. I kept thinking that maybe if I told them something crazy like I was the Craigslist Killer that they’d ask me to leave. I refrained and alas we went downstairs with a bottle of wine his mom gave us. Only AFTER she had him show me his bedroom and his Warhammer figurines. An entire collection. And she pointed out that he hand painted each one himself. No shit, lady. He then proceeded to show me his sword collection. As he unsheathed each one I had hope that maybe he’d just stab me and end it all. That would’ve been better than what happened later. I checked out his galaxy comforter on our way out of his room and prayed to God the dog wouldn’t hump me again. To make matters worse there was no cell phone service in his basement so I was legitimately trapped one on one with this guy. He picked out a movie to watch … Megamind. No amount of wine could have saved this date nor could it have helped him out even when he tried to put the moves on me. He was rejected and at that point I decided to leave. My favorite part was saying goodbye to his mom and dad, who had waited upstairs the whole time. And that ladies and gentlemen, is how NOT to have a first date.